FEBRUARY 2010 - Tweet Talk

Taking that first dip........

'LOVE THY BEAVER' by Alex O'Halloran

Essentially beavers are cute, hard working, industrious and soft to touch. Like our very own beaver it hibernates in winter, emerging in it's full furry glory to say, "hello summer!"

With February here and our summer in full swing, most of us have had the pleasure of exposing our bods to public view and swimming, however, tragically - I am yet to have a dip!

Yes......I have every excuse in the book, including that I've been really busy, but if I'm completely honest, I'd rather go to jail than get a bikini wax!

Maybe those silly people who get really drunk and tattoo their bodies aren't that silly ? - maybe they have the right idea! No brain - no pain! On the next big night out when the drinks are flowing - just book in for the overdue wax job?

Ashamed at my own reflection and aware of how late into summer it is, I finally bit the bullet and made my waxing appointment. The mere thought of it almost brings on an allergic rash. Lets be honest........the only place hot wax should go is on the duco of a car!

We all know a waxing session involves the gruelling torture of eliminating every hair that God gave us in areas that ideally should be left untouched with an 'out of bounds sign to wax pots'.

As I enter the glamorous 'house of wax', I'm greeted by a smiling beauty therapist who's obviously been brain washed by the notion that waxing ones flesh is perfectly natural and what's worse, a pleasant experience. She hands over the ridiculous paper knickers as I strip off avoiding looking down at my winter growth. Feeling like a mountain yeti, I knew that my beaver, shag pile, rug or whatever name you wanna call it..........had to go!

Brazilian or standard, she asks? Standard please and a stiff drink too! Like a contortionist, my legs are wrapped around my head as she rips out every hair follicle I've ever owned and grown!

After 20 minutes of barbaric torture and recovering from shock, I couldn't decide whether I looked like a stripper from a Bangkok girlie bar or a hairless lab rat. Either way, I was horrified, naked looking and very breezy - down there!

Feeling slightly violated but happy with the thought of being able to hit the beach in a bikini instead of a full length rash suit, I ask you.............is the pain worth it?

I guess the choice is ours...........is it lab rat or yeti?

Perhaps the answer is simple........in your next life, come back as a man! But then again, some men do go for the 'BACK, CRACK & SACK wax'!

JANUARY 2010 - Tweet Talk

BOND-EYE CANDY - by Alex O'Halloran

After a huge amount of negative feedback from the female customers I spoke to in my store, I consider my next statement to be "gutsy!"

Maybe I have different taste from other females, or maybe I have questionable taste or maybe some of those women I asked are just too scared to fess up or maybe I'm just comfortable in my own skin.

Here goes..........my confession is simple..............."I love (SOME) men in Speedos!".

Now don't get me wrong. Naturally a girl has her standards. When I say I love Speedos, I'm not talking about the short balding bloke who shows off his package in the hope that we won't notice his man boobs or his buddha belly. And if you can tell the size, shape and level of pudenda hairiness - he's definitely wearing the wrong swim suit!

No banana in the hammock is going to make a woman come running.That type of man should definitely obey the, "never leave the towel rule".

And then of course, there's the slang names; Meat hangers,lolly bag, ding-a-ling-sling, scrote tote and the good old budgie smugglers.

Critics may say, that the 'Speedo' is by far the most embarrassing piece of clothing a man could wear, and an unfit man in Speedos is like a bad car wreck - you can't help but stare, and if you're over the age of 3 you shouldn't be tempted to go the Speedo. I disagree because to me.......a man in socks and summer sandals is, well - WRONG!

Yes...........I appreciate that some women would prefer to be curious and fantasize rather than have it all laid right out in front of them, and that a man in boardies leaves you wondering, but in my mind the 'SPEEDO' looks sexy on a man in great shape! The speedo represents the iconic Bondi Aussie Lifesaver. Gods of the beach, as they proudly parade our shores with a hint of zinc, tanned and toned with their tight togs and a bum cheek peeking out that shouts, "WELCOME TO AUSTRALIA!".

Even on a visit back in 1988, when Princess Diana met the Sydney Lifesavers, she flirtatiously said, "I've been waiting for this all day".

So come on all you blokes out there..........don't hide behind those boardies forever..........lose that tan line and saggy sand chafe. If women of every shape and size can bare it all, so should you!

Have a little faith in Speedos...................and show off that man hammock...............but remember, I said Speedos, not the 'Borat Mankini'!

JANUARY 2010 Tweet Talk

January 2010 Tweet Talk is only hours away! Here's wishing you all a very safe & happy New Year!

Jane Birkin.......My style icon

THANK YOU GIRLS!

A big warm thank you to all my readers who pop into my store at Moss Industry florist or via email - to tell me how much they're enjoying my monthly tweet talk column!

I hope to always keep it light and amusing!!!

Here's blogging you all a very MERRY XMAS and a safe and happy 2010!

Warm wishes

Ali.O

DECEMBER - tweet talk

'TROUBLE with PMT' - by alex o'halloran

What is PMT?

Does PMT turn you into the green eyed monster each month? Is it just a cop out for women to be horrible to the poor victims who are game enough to cross our paths? You hate the world and you haven't even said,"hello"!

At school my girlfriends sat around talking about it all the time boring me senseless. To me it was something that I just couldn't identify with because PMT didn't exist in my world. I used to believe that it was nothing more than a girl's excuse for a whinge, but now I know that it wasn't just a figment of their imagination.

My sister Danielle turned to me the other day and said,"Hey you weren't a bitch this month".And she was right! Don't you love how only a sister could say that!

Yes...............I admit, I experience the odd day or two each month where the build up to "that time" has it's repercussions.The freak show moves into my body without an official invite and like a bad case of tourettes syndrome,unpredictable anythings can come spilling out of my mouth. I become clumsy, flustered and irritated by ABSOLUTELY everything and EVERYTHING I put on feels tight. Miraculously my ass appears to have grown over night! 'Hello Serena Williams - the bubble butt' You know you're being an absolute troll to everyone around you - but don't they all know I have PMT!

My family see the signs straight away.I guess because they know me so well. It's then that the "tutting" sound starts.Weird I know, but it's something I have done for as long as I can remember. It's a stupid noise I make with my mouth that to those who know me shouts,"BEWARE - my tolerance is zero and I'm pissed off".The thing is, I know I'm doing it, but I can't stop! That's when I know it's time to retreat somewhere quiet with a pile of mags and a 'do not disturb sign'...................and then there's the cravings. Like a bear set free at a lonely picnic site, the pig out begins. A large packet of twisties is always a winner with me, so my hardest decision is whether to go savoury or sweet. Sound familiar?

Now I know I may sound a little neurotic, but after catching up with a friend for a coffee recently I now feel so much better. I asked her if she suffers from the monthly monster and she looked at me and simply said, "Hell no, I don't get PMT, I'm just a bitch all the time!"

We might hate PMT and all the tit bits that go with it - but no matter how much you're hating the world that day or how 'crapola' you feel - you know your girlfriends will just get it!

NOVEMBER - Tweet Talk

Shaping up Noosa Style.........by alex o'halloran

As a self confessed bikini junkie in my teenage years, nothing mattered more to me than the "brand" - Yes........I truly loved my "EXPOSEES" -  white and pink polka dots to be exact! I just had to have them - no matter how ridiculous the price tag.
I lived for Summer and literally lived at our local beach in Mt.Eliza where I grew up. My girlfriends and I spent every spare moment of our holidays and the odd wagged school day 'suckin' up the rays.

As I plonked my butt down on the sand in Noosa last week, I looked down at my mismatching bikini with it's floral top and completely wrong bottoms and thought to myself.............how things had changed!
These days, "the bikini" just doesn't rate in my world or on my list in the fashion stakes.Why spend a fortune on some teeny bit of fabric that I simply loathe myself in? Hell........... a great handbag is a much better investment and looks great with anything. People stop you and say, "Great bag".  I can't remember the last time someone said that when I was all "bikinied" up sand side!

Looking around at the "all too tanned fabulousness" on the main beach, I regretfully noticed a group of 16yr old beauties sitting far too close.Thin as whippets, not a panel beaten leg in sight and clearly they were all gorgeous, body confident too.The only thing weighing these girls down was the ipod they carried. Admiring and hating them all at the same time.......I decided move myself on to the secluded family beach at Little Cove. Not a teen in sight.

Feeling 40 something, white and flabby, the next morning I decided to take up my husband's offer of joining him on his morning run through Noosa's National Park. As I laced up, stretched and thought of the those dimple free girls, I was ready to whip his ass and tragically abort my morning of magazines and coffee!

Listening to his words of encouragement it went a little like this, "Hey Ali, we'll take it slow and run until the wheelchair access path stops."Easy", I said.
Ready to die,still running and smiling too, I noticed that we'd jogged well past the path.
Casually I mentioned.............."Obviously wheelchairs in QLD are fitted with 4Wheel drive tyres??" The path stopped miles back!?" "Just a bit further" he said with a wink. 
5.2km later and hating him, we ran back through the enterance gates to the National Park. Never having run that far in my life, I stood there out of breath and quietly happy with myself.
On waking the next day, as I crawled down our apartment stairs, it was clear that I was the one that needed a wheelchair. Seriously........I was literally cripple for 3 days.

The next morning as I dragged myself down our apartment stairs, I wondered what on earth had happened to my poor body. I decided that I had been viciously attacked in my sleep, but then the 5.2km run flashed in my head and I asked myself, "What part of running feels good?". "It doesn't!!"

As I sat there aching, crippled and feeling very sorry for myself, I drank my coffee and read my wonderful magazines that in "my world"shouted normal!

Smiling to myself, I thought...........'Hey, what's a few dimples between friends.......but then again'......................

Beach Bikini - NOOSA STYLE........

Are you ready to strip down to your bikini?? Summer is just around the corner girls!!

Unfortunately for me, it came a little early. Just back from holidaying in Noosa for a week, no fake tan in a can, nor a pretty flowing top could prepare a 40 something woman for the tragic experience of sharing that sand space with a group of  buffed 16 year old girls...........  

Read about it in my NOVEMBER tweet  talk -

"Shaping up - Noosa Style! "

Found in our Moss Industry window or at The Pod Cafe, BARWON HEADS.

Tweet Talk NOVEMBER.