Thursday, April 1, 2010

APRIL Tweet Talk by Ali.O

IT'S A BOOB THING.......By Ali O'Halloran Let's be honest, most of us girls have a love hate relationship with our breasts......... unless of course they're fake!! Whether it be a rogue hair, a stretch mark or one that's slightly bigger than the other, once you reach a certain age, we're known for bitchin' about our boobs!.....never happy with what we've got.
Remember the "training bra"? A smartly marketed product called "Loveable".....Hello, my name is "Loveable" and you'll be wearing me and my cousins F....O....R....E....V....E....R!!!! The little over shoulder boulder holder, user friendly design for the "L" plate bra wearer.........that time in your adolescent life where a relationship starts between the young flat chested girl and the weirdo bra thing............. but seriously, what was it we were actually training for? As we hit our 40's, you have to ask yourself as you stare into the mirror at your not so pert boobs.........did you do enough training??
Luckily for me I didn't inherit my grandmother's set of enormous floaters that she clearly could have eaten her breakfast off. That particular gene was passed onto my mother. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining because I'm happy with what I've got but like most girls, I'm not completely satisfied because they're not perfect....I mean what's wrong with wanting perfect Helena Christensen breasts?
The other day amongst friends the conversation diverted from sex to windsocks....yes a complete swing around. Someone mentioned that they dreaded their breasts becoming best mates with their waist. Someone else added that at only 35, hers were already dragging south. Another insisted on being braless at all times, which we all know is fine........if you're 15!! And lastly, my closest friend laughed out loud, proudly announcing....."Mine are fabulous and I love, love, love them now - because they're FAKE!"
No matter how big or small, when you feel your rack just isn't cutting it, the easy option is to bring out the silicone chicken fillets. Easy to apply, inexpensive and unlike a boob job, it's not permanent......hell, some girls even wear their fillets to bed! As weird as this may sound, I recently said to a friend that when wearing the good old fillets I feel like I could take on the world. So weird, that I could almost convince myself to enter that wet tee long as it didn't require rock hard nipples!! Yes, I know.......they're not the real deal but who cares and who's "gonna" know.....and naturally, a good girlfriend is sworn to silence when donning the fakes!
Maybe one day someone will invent a breast enhancing mirror but until then I suppose I should be more positive about the whole boob thing. At least complaining about my "boobs" gives my "arse" a rest from criticism!!!
PS. For the uninitiated, silicone chicken fillets do not come with built in nipple headlights!!