Alio's Tweet Talk..........June 2010

'HELP.......SOMEBODY STOLE MY MOJO!'
by Alex O'Halloran

Ever had those weeks when you feel out of sorts, not quite yourself and a little flat for no particular reason? Chances are you've lost your mojo!

The other day on my way to work I turned to my husband and blurted out, " I think I've lost my mojo, seriously......it's abandoned me! And do you think I've got boring?" Always honest and positive he smiled and said, "Of course not!" But to me..........my inner compass no longer seemed to be pointing due north.

What is your "mojo"? For me, it's my vitality, my natural inner high, my inspiration, my drive, oomph and passion. It's my pizzazz, style, punch, feistiness and charm. Call it what you like.....we all lose it from time to time. But hey.......I need it, because my mojo is my magic!!

So where has it gone? Who stole it and when is it coming back? Why am I not firing on all cylinders? Maybe it's the on set of winter, less sunshine, cooler temps, a quieter town? Or is it the need for a break in a hot destination, full of endless shopping or with all the hype of the SATC movie 2 being released, that I'm simply overdue for a girl's night out. Glitter included!

A friend dropped into my store last week for a coffee because she too was feeling NQR! As she went on telling me that she hadn't been herself lately, a bit down, almost in limbo and bored as well..........I was relieved to know someone else's mojo had packed up camp!

If there was a metal detector that could track down "mojo" everyone would buy one. Then again, maybe we could just hire one for a week and then pass it on to a friend. I'm all for sharing in the search for mojo.

Someone said to me the other day, "I think we all lose our mojo from time to time and then something small points us back in the right direction".............It might be as simple as finding a long lost photo at the back of your cupboard. The one that makes you crack up laughing. Those little things in life that make us smile..........and you know what..........sometimes that smile that others see in you, helps them start to find their own mojo.

I guess the best barometer of "mojo" is how many smiles are going on in your life...........So if you have any to spare, share them around. It's infectious!!!

(PS:For anyone reading this that may think this month's column is a little lame, or not my best.................you know why!)

ALI.O'S tweet talk - MAY 2010 -

'40 PLUS' by Alex O'Halloran

I happily turned 42 the other day, actually last month......and I'm all good with that. I've even taken on a new way of saying my age. Instead of 42 years old.....I'm simply 42 years young! Sounds a bit naff, but I'm sticking with it.

On hitting my 40's I now see my crazy party days as a mere blurry memory of the past and something I like to think I've tamed myself for the better. Yes.....I've got healthier in my 40's - but hopefully not boring!

I even decided to throw myself into my husband's intensive 5 week exercise program.....just to feel great, and if I'm honest.......to prevent my ass from heading further South.

I gave up smoking 5 years ago to avoid ending up with a mouth that resembled a pussy's butt and as for my love of champers......that's stopped too. Not because I don't still LOVE it but simply because it HATES me.

The other day I couldn't help noticing my friend's glowing complexion. Not being able to resist, I said, "What have you done to your skin.....it looks amazing"? She replied, " I had a blueberry smoothie facial". With that I booked myself a "blueberry smoothie facial" using my birthday voucher in the hope of looking the same.

Greeted by a very young professional 23 yr old with skin like a Japanese geisha girl, she politely asked me to put my face into what looked like a microwave with neon lights. Suddenly my face appeared on a giant computer screen and I stared horrified at what I saw. Staring back at me was my face, way, way too close for my liking and looking like a hairy mammoth with funny dots all over the place, sun spots and god knows what else? She then proceeded to inform me about all my blemishes. My upbeat birthday mood disappeared!.

Strung out and paranoid at the skin cancer damage I may have caused in my teens by slapping on reef oil, I closed my eyes and tried to relax as I had my 'birthday' facial. Leaving the salon, I hoped to look like my friend - all new, buffed, dewy and glowing. My car rear vision mirror screamed something else. Red spotty faced, lathered up with rescue repair cream and adorned with scratch marks from the machine used to peel away the dead skin......I looked more like a Tassie tiger.

So is it worth it I ask?? All that money on creams and stuff, all that fluffing around with what God gave us? I'd be lying if I didn't admit to wigging out occasionally on those ugly days......but hey who doesn't? Yes ageing can suck.....all true, but it doesn't skip anyone. To a certain extent we can control what happens to us in our 40's. Sure, we're not 20 something anymore and no-one too soon is going to ask us to do a Playboy spread. Yes - we may have a few more lines around the eyes, pigmentation in weird places and god knows what else decides to take up residency......but maybe it's not until we reach our 40's that we grow into ourselves. Turning 40+ means you can turn into anything you want to be.

Remember, recite after me...............Instead of worrying, skid into your 40's sideways and enjoy the ride!

APRIL Tweet Talk by Ali.O

IT'S A BOOB THING.......By Ali O'Halloran Let's be honest, most of us girls have a love hate relationship with our breasts......... unless of course they're fake!! Whether it be a rogue hair, a stretch mark or one that's slightly bigger than the other, once you reach a certain age, we're known for bitchin' about our boobs!.....never happy with what we've got.

Remember the "training bra"? A smartly marketed product called "Loveable".....Hello, my name is "Loveable" and you'll be wearing me and my cousins F....O....R....E....V....E....R!!!! The little over shoulder boulder holder, user friendly design for the "L" plate bra wearer.........that time in your adolescent life where a relationship starts between the young flat chested girl and the weirdo bra thing............. but seriously, what was it we were actually training for? As we hit our 40's, you have to ask yourself as you stare into the mirror at your not so pert boobs.........did you do enough training??

Luckily for me I didn't inherit my grandmother's set of enormous floaters that she clearly could have eaten her breakfast off. That particular gene was passed onto my mother. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining because I'm happy with what I've got but like most girls, I'm not completely satisfied because they're not perfect....I mean what's wrong with wanting perfect Helena Christensen breasts?

The other day amongst friends the conversation diverted from sex to windsocks....yes a complete swing around. Someone mentioned that they dreaded their breasts becoming best mates with their waist. Someone else added that at only 35, hers were already dragging south. Another insisted on being braless at all times, which we all know is fine........if you're 15!! And lastly, my closest friend laughed out loud, proudly announcing....."Mine are fabulous and I love, love, love them now - because they're FAKE!"

No matter how big or small, when you feel your rack just isn't cutting it, the easy option is to bring out the silicone chicken fillets. Easy to apply, inexpensive and unlike a boob job, it's not permanent......hell, some girls even wear their fillets to bed! As weird as this may sound, I recently said to a friend that when wearing the good old fillets I feel like I could take on the world. So weird, that I could almost convince myself to enter that wet tee comp......as long as it didn't require rock hard nipples!! Yes, I know.......they're not the real deal but who cares and who's "gonna" know.....and naturally, a good girlfriend is sworn to silence when donning the fakes!

Maybe one day someone will invent a breast enhancing mirror but until then I suppose I should be more positive about the whole boob thing. At least complaining about my "boobs" gives my "arse" a rest from criticism!!!

PS. For the uninitiated, silicone chicken fillets do not come with built in nipple headlights!!

Alio's Tweet Talk - MARCH 2010

TRAVEL ETIQUETTE by alex o'halloran

Is there such a thing as travel etiquette?

On a recent trip to Sydney, my sister and I resembled two red eyed racoons as we sat gulping down a strong coffee in the departure lounge at Avalon. We noticed that some travellers' bad etiquette habits were on show well before we'd even left the ground as we watched an impatient man 'bang on' rudely, complaining that his has brown wasn't warm enough.....yes there's always one!

Like us - everyone appeared half asleep at 5am, rubbing their eyes, yawning and maybe hoping to hell they wouldn't see someone they knew at such a ridiculous hour........because when you look like crap - you ALWAYS do!

Whilst some people have manners when travelling or flying, others leave them on the ground.Have you ever sat down in your plane seat and dreaded what idot might sit next to you?

Typically you might encounter.........

THE RAPID RECLINER: This traveller is the one who immediately pushes the button to fling the seat back as far as it can go before the plane has even left the tarmac. They never consider their back seat neighbour.

THE TALKING TERRIER: For some travellers, flying is the perfect opportunity for 'solo time'. The biggest airline crime is the 'terry talk a lot' neighbour who won't shut up! The only way to avoid this is to immediately grab a mag or a headset - which instantly says 'back off chatterbox - I'm not recruiting mates on this flight' .Yes.......it sounds cruel - but sometimes it's just gotta be done.

ARM REST HOGS: Don't you hate them? With only 2 inches of arm rest space between you and your neighbour, remember the simple rule. It's 50/50. If they insist on hogging - gently nudge, smile and re-claim your 50% back. If that doesn't work, wait until they go to the loo and re-claim 100%!

TIGHT ASS FLYER: The ones that complain about everything when they've paid a mere $30 for a ticket. My flighty friend always had the perfect answer for them. "You pay a bus fare........you get a bus ride", what else can they say?

THE BOOZER: The freaks with the mini wine bottle obsession. Content with their very own little bar on board and if that's not enough, they buzz the trolley dolly to get a few more.....just in case.

THE AISLE MASTER: The compulsive aisle nut! The person in their socks pacing up and own the entire flight in an attempt to avoid deep vein thrombosis. Incredibly annoying!

THE PRIMA DONNA: Airline delays are inevitable.....it's part of flying, but like everyone travelling we all have to be somewhere eventually. Although we can all get frustrated at times, some people have trouble keeping their inner DIVA on a leash.

CARRY ON LUGGAGE: There's a reason why it's limited...........because there's only so much space going around. Leg room is for feet - not for a bag big enough to house a dead body!

And just when you think you've come across them all, you land, only to be knocked down by the 'ESCAPE ARTIST'.......the traveller who's determined to get off the plane 30 seconds before anyone else. As soon as that seat belt sign goes off - they make a mad dash for the exit.

Me, well......if I'm honest, I'm guilty of being the 'frustrated handbag digger'. 'Keys, wallet, passport'..........always digging for something and doing the double check.

That's okay, isn't it..........?

EDUCATION FOR THE BEDROOM IN THE 60'S

Education for Girls in the 60's........... Couldn't resist posting this article that was emailed to me from a friend today.

It was something I just had to share.

Hopefully you can read the small print

FEBRUARY 2010 - Tweet Talk

Taking that first dip........

'LOVE THY BEAVER' by Alex O'Halloran

Essentially beavers are cute, hard working, industrious and soft to touch. Like our very own beaver it hibernates in winter, emerging in it's full furry glory to say, "hello summer!"

With February here and our summer in full swing, most of us have had the pleasure of exposing our bods to public view and swimming, however, tragically - I am yet to have a dip!

Yes......I have every excuse in the book, including that I've been really busy, but if I'm completely honest, I'd rather go to jail than get a bikini wax!

Maybe those silly people who get really drunk and tattoo their bodies aren't that silly ? - maybe they have the right idea! No brain - no pain! On the next big night out when the drinks are flowing - just book in for the overdue wax job?

Ashamed at my own reflection and aware of how late into summer it is, I finally bit the bullet and made my waxing appointment. The mere thought of it almost brings on an allergic rash. Lets be honest........the only place hot wax should go is on the duco of a car!

We all know a waxing session involves the gruelling torture of eliminating every hair that God gave us in areas that ideally should be left untouched with an 'out of bounds sign to wax pots'.

As I enter the glamorous 'house of wax', I'm greeted by a smiling beauty therapist who's obviously been brain washed by the notion that waxing ones flesh is perfectly natural and what's worse, a pleasant experience. She hands over the ridiculous paper knickers as I strip off avoiding looking down at my winter growth. Feeling like a mountain yeti, I knew that my beaver, shag pile, rug or whatever name you wanna call it..........had to go!

Brazilian or standard, she asks? Standard please and a stiff drink too! Like a contortionist, my legs are wrapped around my head as she rips out every hair follicle I've ever owned and grown!

After 20 minutes of barbaric torture and recovering from shock, I couldn't decide whether I looked like a stripper from a Bangkok girlie bar or a hairless lab rat. Either way, I was horrified, naked looking and very breezy - down there!

Feeling slightly violated but happy with the thought of being able to hit the beach in a bikini instead of a full length rash suit, I ask you.............is the pain worth it?

I guess the choice is ours...........is it lab rat or yeti?

Perhaps the answer is simple........in your next life, come back as a man! But then again, some men do go for the 'BACK, CRACK & SACK wax'!

JANUARY 2010 - Tweet Talk

BOND-EYE CANDY - by Alex O'Halloran

After a huge amount of negative feedback from the female customers I spoke to in my store, I consider my next statement to be "gutsy!"

Maybe I have different taste from other females, or maybe I have questionable taste or maybe some of those women I asked are just too scared to fess up or maybe I'm just comfortable in my own skin.

Here goes..........my confession is simple..............."I love (SOME) men in Speedos!".

Now don't get me wrong. Naturally a girl has her standards. When I say I love Speedos, I'm not talking about the short balding bloke who shows off his package in the hope that we won't notice his man boobs or his buddha belly. And if you can tell the size, shape and level of pudenda hairiness - he's definitely wearing the wrong swim suit!

No banana in the hammock is going to make a woman come running.That type of man should definitely obey the, "never leave the towel rule".

And then of course, there's the slang names; Meat hangers,lolly bag, ding-a-ling-sling, scrote tote and the good old budgie smugglers.

Critics may say, that the 'Speedo' is by far the most embarrassing piece of clothing a man could wear, and an unfit man in Speedos is like a bad car wreck - you can't help but stare, and if you're over the age of 3 you shouldn't be tempted to go the Speedo. I disagree because to me.......a man in socks and summer sandals is, well - WRONG!

Yes...........I appreciate that some women would prefer to be curious and fantasize rather than have it all laid right out in front of them, and that a man in boardies leaves you wondering, but in my mind the 'SPEEDO' looks sexy on a man in great shape! The speedo represents the iconic Bondi Aussie Lifesaver. Gods of the beach, as they proudly parade our shores with a hint of zinc, tanned and toned with their tight togs and a bum cheek peeking out that shouts, "WELCOME TO AUSTRALIA!".

Even on a visit back in 1988, when Princess Diana met the Sydney Lifesavers, she flirtatiously said, "I've been waiting for this all day".

So come on all you blokes out there..........don't hide behind those boardies forever..........lose that tan line and saggy sand chafe. If women of every shape and size can bare it all, so should you!

Have a little faith in Speedos...................and show off that man hammock...............but remember, I said Speedos, not the 'Borat Mankini'!